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PJ

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Everything posted by PJ

  1. Hi In despair I have this addiction, although I free from the behaviour for two and half years now. Whilst I haven't been in a 'partner's' shoes, I have seen close up how hellish this is for partners. It doesn't surprise me you are picking up mixed signals, addicts go through cycles - deep guilt and remorse, but at other times obsession and excitement as they start thinking about acting out again. It is a terrible world to be stuck in - both for you and for him. It must be made more difficult for both of you in different ways living much of the time at a distance. There is hope, always hope. I am still with my partner despite my own unfaithfulness and we are on a good, if at times difficult, journey of rebuilding our marriage. All I am saying is that it is possible (obviously many marriages do breakdown after a sex addiction becomes known by the partner). I think for real hope though, you both need to get some help - you can't do this on your own. He needs to plug into a 12 step programme or one of Paula Hall's courses. There are two books, both by Paula which I would recommend - one for specifically for partners and one on sex addiction. Both would be invaluable for you both. I would also encourage you to confide in a friend or two to walk this rough and dirty road with you. Lastly, don't go soft on him. He needs boundaries and consequences. Do come back on here and give us updates.
  2. Hi It is awful finding yourself in this place, many of us have been there before - the sense of shame, fear, self-doubt, disgust and then the uncertainty about the future. The good news is that you have caught this early - many of us who didn't catch this early went far further down an increasingly dark road - looking at increasingly dark porn and for me onto seeing sex workers. It was a terrible road - and one that you wouldn't want to go down. Since addiction tends to need greater hits, you might have found yourself, given time, in a worse place. That is the good news. You have come to a good place in asking for a consultation on this website. In the meantime I would recommend Paula's book on sex addiction. To answer your question - no you are not totally lost, and your marriage can most certainly recover. It will change and for those of us whose marriages survive through this, it can be the stronger. What would I suggest? 1. Never suggest it is her fault. It doesn't sound like you are tempted to do that. 2. Get help. You are already doing that. 3. Be brutally honest - with yourself and your wife. It is the only way trust can be rebuilt. 4. Give it time - you are on a fairly long road. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and rebuild your self-respect. Others have recovered, so can you. I wish you all the best.
  3. Hi PhilippaAnn Unfortunately addicts are very selfish. They have a tendency to use people to feed their habit - sex addiction is no different. Sex addicts talk about being 'in the bubble' - which conjures up al sorts of dynamics, but is trying to describe that they are in their own world, that it is difficult to connect emotionally or empathise. Have you read Paula's book for partners of sex addicts? It might be worth reading.
  4. Hi Mel It sounds like you are in quite a crisis. However the first step to getting over this is firstly to realise that you are addicted and the second step is hitting rock bottom - this sounds like it might be your rock bottom. The rock bottom is where you come to the point you will do anything to get free from this addiction. And that is what it needs. To get over this addiction you have to be totally, totally, honest with yourself and getting free from you addiction has to be more important than anything else in your life. More important than your marriage even - the logic being, if you don't, you won't have a marriage either. The question is what do you do now? It is good that you are getting referred to different professionals - I wonder if that is about your overdose rather than your addiction? There are various places you can get help. 1. Twelve step programmes, like Sex Addicts Anonymous (http://saauk.info/en/) or Sexaholics Anonymous (https://www.sa.org) or Sex and Love Addicts anonymous (http://www.slaauk.org). I go to SAA and it works for me. The one note of wisdom though, groups vary, so if one doesn't work try another. On their websites, you can see which groups are mixed or single sex. 2. Get some personal support from a friend or relative. I know that can be scary, but my experience is that friends really come through. 3. Read up about Sex Addiction - Paula Hall's book is excellent. "Understanding and treating sex addiction". 4. Personally what turned my life around was Paula's intensive recovery course - information on her website. There is hope - things are bad at the moment, but you can recover from this - many have and do. I am one. Best wishes.
  5. Hi Jo I was seriously addicted to porn and it developed into seeing sex workers. However I faced it, and with a lot of help from people like Paula, I have now been free of both for two and half years, and going strong. Happy to converse with him on here.
  6. Hi Anon123 There are many options on the internet. I would recommend two options. 1. Paula's intensive courses. I attended a 5 day intensive and it was very helpful indeed, in fact I would say it was life-changing. 2. Another option is a 12 step group. I attend SAA (sex addicts anonymous) - the advantage of such groups is that they are v. cheap, in fact you don't have to pay anything. There are I think 3 different sex addicts 12 stop programmes in the UK, all slightly different. The groups vary too even within a programme, so if one doesn't work, try another. At the end of the day though, he must desperate to change. What helped me was hearing Paula say "Your recovery has to be more important than anything else, even your marriage". That was a wake-up call but so true. If I didn't sort out my addiction, I wasn't going to have a marriage. If I did sort out my addiction, I might save my marriage. I have now been free for over 2 years, and our marriage (of 22 years) is stronger than it has ever been.
  7. You are experiencing devastation Anon123. It is a devastating experience and your reactions, dismay, self-doubt, anger, confusion, to name just some, are normal. Whilst I have been on the other end, I do feel for you. There is so much I could say but a few thoughts. 1. You aren't alone. There are many who are on this harrowing road. Do reach out to others in the same boat. 2. There is help for you. I would commend Paula's book for partners. Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective. Her other book on Understand and Treating Sex Addiction is also extremely good. One of the things you will learn is that this isn't primarily about sex and it isn't because of anything you have done or not done. 3. There is hope. Two years on, I have been clean from porn, masturbation and visiting sex workers. It was awful beyond words telling my wife, but we have got through it - with a lot of help from others. 4. If there is one piece of advice I might give you? Don't go soft on him, don't make excuses for his behaviour - there aren't any. Help him to face up to his problem - don't collude with it. Sadly but inevitably, addicts (especially sex addicts) find it so very difficult to be honest. 5. Oops, perhaps one other piece of advice - tell someone who you know will support you, walk with you on this dreadful road. All the best.
  8. PJ

    Ali

    Hi Ali I think it is more complicated than that. Strangely people with sex addiction, are lonely, they want intimacy but at the same time fear it. His pain latches onto sex, but it could have latched onto anything. It isn't really about sex, perhaps surprisingly. It sounds like you have a good relationship - hold onto that. Can I suggest you read Paula's book on Sex Addiction - it will give you a very helpful insight into this rather strange but dangerous addiction? It is called "Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction".
  9. PJ

    Porn

    I wouldn't be negative about the various 12 step programmes. I go to SAA group and it doesn't 'shove religion down your throat' - in fact there is no religion. Yes a 'higher power' but they are quick to let you define what that high power is. Groups vary a lot, if one doesn't work, try another. Keep going!
  10. I would add Recovery Nation to your list of website resources - I found it very helpful. www.recoverynation.com
  11. PJ

    Ali

    Hi Ali, this sort of thing is devastating and you have good reason to feel very upset. I have come from the otherside, having been married for 22 years, addicted to porn since my teenage years but have now been completely free from it for 2 years now and still married. From my own experience can suggest that you are honest with him about the fact that you know. The only hope he has, is if he faces things honestly and lives in rigorous honesty. This addiction thrives in secrecy and shame. So the first thing is to bring it into the open. Tell him that you know. Secondly, this can only be beaten with help. There is a lot of help on the internet - sites like www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk. Others on this site may also recommend how he can get help. Keep going, there is hope. People do kick the habit.
  12. Hi, yes, I am now 2 years and a month into recovery and slip free (other than a minor slip at 9 months). Paula tells me that after two years one's recovery is well established. I feel great! Other than my wife, SAA has worked very well for me as an additional support. I would recommend something like that to everyone.
  13. Hi workinprogress - in my group we don't absolve ourselves by blaming a Higher Power. Groups vary enormously, it could have been a quirk of your particular group?
  14. Hi Caron That can't be easy - having sexual need but not fulfilling it in a way that fits with your values. I would encourage you to speak to your pastor/priest - my experience is that very often they have heard it all before (and won't bat an eyelid) but most significantly the power of the secrecy and the shame is significantly reduced. Confide in some trusted friends/family about your predicament.
  15. Hi Matt - you aren't alone. There are many Christians who struggle with the same issue. I would encourage you first of all to read up on porn addiction, and Paula's new book is an excellent place to start. Secondly to get some help - either find a counsellor who specialises in sex addiction (Paula might be able to recommend one) or try an 12 step group. Thirdly, confide in someone you trust. Let us know how you get on.
  16. Hi Hangingthere - keep talking. You sound like you feel trapped and have no options. Let us know how things are going.
  17. Broken - that sounds tough. How are things going now?
  18. Hi Pat - I go to an SAA meeting on a regular basis. All 12 step meetings have a 'divine' basis. Mine starts and begins with the serenity prayer. And like the ones you have been to, we aren't allowed to offer advice during the session although it is fine outside the session. The guys who are particularly hot about this feel it is less safe when this value isn't respected and over time I have come to appreciate their strictness on this. I would encourage you to keep going for some weeks, perhaps even months and see how it feels when you have got used to it. It took me some while.
  19. Wow Schrodinger - you are really fighting this. Well done - you seem to doing a lot of good things. It doesn't sound like you have others supporting you through this. I just wonder if that might help?
  20. Hi Izzy As Schrodinger says, you have started well - the first step is to realise you are addicted, powerless over this and the only way to conquer it is to get help. Paula's book on Sex Addiction is an excellent book to understand the basics about it and what to do about it but it won't be enough - you need either a course like her recovery course of which she has a variety of different formats or a 12 step programme. There are 3 different 12steps - one is Sexaholics Anonymous which is on the stricter end, 'Sex Addicts Anonymous' and 'Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous' - the latter is more mixed. Do look on their different websites. It can be a long road but worth every step - sex addiction leads to so much pain and damage.
  21. 12 months ago I was about to go on a Recovery Intensive with Paula. I had been exposed to porn from the age of 9 or 10, struggled with compulsive masturbation since puberty, compulsively watched internet pornography wasting hours most weeks and started visiting sex workers over the previous 4 years. 9 months previous to going on the course I began to come to my senses - that I needed help and that the road I was on was leading me down into greater risk and ultimately destruction. I came across Paula and went into counselling in January. She was keen for me to go onto the intensive course but I wasn't ready, and to be honest a bit sceptical. The counselling was helpful, but the residential intensive was life-changing. On it I got to the point of desperation, committing myself to doing whatever it takes to get free from this destructive addiction - even to the point of deciding to tell my wife who had no knowledge of what I was up it. The course empowered me to make different choices. I could write so much about the journey over the last year. It has been incredibly difficult and challenging - at the same time it has felt good, so good - to be doing the right thing, living in honesty, being out of the bubble and being emotionally present to my wife. It is possible, if you are desperate, to escape the slavery of this addiction - but you can't do it on your own.
  22. PJ

    Overwhelmed

    Hi M I am recovering from the addiction, pretty much free since going on an intensive with Paula a year ago. A few thoughts from the addicts/man's side. 1. You are no muppet. Addicts are very skilled at keeping things secret. They do that because they hate what they are doing, it makes them feel awful, they don't know where to go for help, think they can manage it, go back to it when they feel down or defeated and it carries on. Many don't want to hurt their spouses and so keep it secret, thereby unwittingly reinforcing the addiction cycle. You are no muppet - you have been deceived by someone who has become very good at deception. 2. My wife, didn't know anything until I told her - at that point I had not 'acted out' for a month having made a clean break on Paula's course. She was totally devastated and disorientated. She helped herself (and me) by being uncompromising. She set some clear boundaries - she kicked me out of the bed, and would have kicked me out of the house if circumstances had allowed, for a couple of weeks (and it would have been for longer if it hadn't been for the kids etc), and forbid any idea of sex for 3 months. She took off her wedding ring etc. The signals were clear and uncompromising. 3. We talked lots and lots. She read lots and lots, got help from forums etc - you aren't alone and will find a whole community out there who has been/are in the same situation as you. She found a counsellor for partners (through Paula) who gave her some good advice. We began a journey and we are a year in. One thing that really helped was radical honesty. 4. This is not your fault. Sure none of us our perfect and no marriage is perfect, but many in similar situations others don't turn to inappropriate/secret sex to comfort themselves and he didn't need to either, he had other options and choices. He took the wrong ones. 5. There is hope. You and your marriage can survive. You are on a journey. We are a year in and in many ways our marriage is better than it has ever been - for many reasons but probably one of the main ones was that before I was emotionally absent and had been most if not all of our marriage. I am not now. I hope that helps.
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