Inimitable
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Inimitable last won the day on April 6 2022
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Thanks for replying, Tabs! I've read your other posts, i appreciate you sharing your story. I cannot imagine what I would do in your situation, you even waited for him while he was in prison...wow! I have gone above and beyond for my husband, but don't know if I'd have stuck it out like you did. These men (using the term loosely of course) don't deserve women like US. I wish you luck, and I'm glad you were able to get a lawyer (solicitor). My husband tried to give a woman $500 of OUR money, but it didn't work out, thank goodness. technical glitch. I have realized I am going through a "withdrawal" of sorts, myself. I believe I'm going through Trauma bonding, with my husband/our past relationship. so instead of wasting my time researching HIS addiction, I am looking into helping MYSELF, because going without having him around all the time, or being able to talk to him like I used to, I've become a shell of who I used to be. Honestly, he was my only "friend" my best "friend" but I now know that he is unable to be anyone's friend. he does not love himself (because of his past trauma/shame) so he cannot love anyone else. I wish i could CUT communication completely, but we have kids. He says his kids COME FIRST, but already he is mentioning how his new woman might end up living with him (if he gets his own place in a couple months), when the whole PLAN was that he'd be able to get 50/50 custody of the kids! which is why he'd need his own place! but instead, this woman might need a place to live, so he's willing to SACRIFICE HIS CUSTODY, for this woman to live with him. Don't mean to go on a RANT, this is incredibly hard, am I right? Thanks again for replying/sharing with me. This forum is extremely helpful to not feel SO ALONE. Inimitable
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We are divorcing. Mainly my choice, based upon his behaviors of course. but he knows why I must. he has hurt me too bad and he admits it. I could NEVER trust him again. With that being said, we have children, and my therapist has warned me that he will get to the point where he WILL let them down and disappoint them/lie to them/manipulate them as he has done to me. even if he hasn't so far, she warns me. I hope she's wrong. I would NEVER want them to feel like this. But so far every move he's made she has warned me about has happened. I'm so worried. he's already living with a woman he JUST MET (who has a kid herself!) and he's acting like he may introduce her to the kids within a few months! anyone here divorced? and has it gone ok, afterwards, with child custody and whatnot? we both agree on 50/50 (he needs his OWN place for that to happen). no fighting over anything material. it's been hard for me to control myself, talking to him about his behaviors now and how they hurt me (and the kids have seen me upset, i try to hide it), because HIS BUSINESS IS NOT MY BUSINESS ANYMORE. what he does is not my business. unless it affects the kids. i am sure as hell teaching my kids about relationships and being loving/caring and HONEST with your partners, so they won't follow HIS example, moving in with someone after 3 weeks, when u r not even divorced from their mother yet. thanks for listening, it is SO helpful having this forum, as i don't have any friends (he was my ONLY friend). it gets lonely. i have a therapist, but just once a week. i'd like to talk about this non stop, but that wouldn't be healthy, WASTING my time talking about HIS addiction. forgive any typos.
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thank you for responding. since I've posted this post he has hurt me in several ways, including seeing a woman, (who lives right near my father, in the same town i live in) and moving in with her (after only weeks of knowing her), and holding her hand right in front of me while i was suicidal. he knew it. DOESN'T CARE. he is an ADDICT and i need to pound this into my head. he will NEVER care. he is too deep into his addiction. thank goodness i have a therapist who has been helpful. i am STRONG and so are YOU. it doesn't feel good. it feels HORRIBLE to watch the person you once loved and sacrificed SO MUCH for to treat you like garbage. but it's ALL ABOUT HIM. not you. not ME. i am going to take it day by day. i feel OK today but who knows about tomorrow. i'm trying to keep it together for my kids, to be the one parent they can ALWAYS depend on. i am wishing you peace and strength. forgive any typos.
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IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. right? Marriage vows. I, myself have depression, which he claims he could never understand. he has never been easy on me about it, either. but he stayed with me. If you read my other posts, you'll know that we r on the path to divorce. but he keeps mentioning how he's trying to better himself, going to therapy. but he's doing it FOR HIM, which is the right way to do it. but he also hopes for maybe salvaging our marriage. But I KNOW, IN MY GUT, that nothing will change. I've forgiven him for indiscretions in the past, LIES in the past. and I CANNOT do it anymore. But I feel guilty. for FINALLY standing my ground and STICKING TO MY BOUNDARIES. I've always been the lenient one. But I know I can't do that anymore. But this is an addiction. and I'm choosing to divorce him when he's trying to work on himself? I'm choosing to leave him in his sickness ALONE? I'm not posting here to have you change my mind but wondering if anyone else here has gone through this. Stuck to their decision to divorce. How did it work out? or if you feel like dropping any other comment, I'm open. Thanks for reading, have a blessed day. Inimitable
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Thanks for responding! That last part gets to me, "Even if I love him..." because I do still love him. and I believe he loves me. but we both KNOW we cannot continue. We have successfully separated our phone lines so I cannot even access his phone logs. I've denied myself access to his email by signing out on any of my devices. I'm trying to not worry about his extra-curricular activities. maybe he's actually doing well in that regard right now "being good" but I know it's just a matter of time before he goes back to what's familiar. I've spent the past 13 years plus considering him and his feelings. I need to learn to consider my own feelings and have boundaries. This whole experience has actually made me realize even more how hard it is not having any female friends. but even if I did, I am sure they would chalk it up to "he's a cheating bastard" and I know it's more than that. So I truly do appreciate your response, Thank you.
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Inimitable started following How do I stop
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We are starting the process of divorce, have an appt in two days. I was stuck, inactive in another country when I found out, and told myself I would only look at the phone logs while in Mexico. once we got to the States, I'd stop. STOP TORTURING MYSELF. Seeing all these random phone numbers, and Tinder codes. He's messaging other women while he's begging me to stay in the marriage!!!! I know, it's not rational on his behalf, his way of thinking is skewed because of his past trauma, and how he coped. but I can't get past it. I can't knowingly see all these other phone numbers and truly believe he WANTS to stay with me, and that he loves me. wants to keep our family intact, when he is constantly messaging other women. He doesn't want to go to therapy, which would be the only way I would consider staying. I love him so much, especially because I finally know why he is the way he is. but I need to STOP looking at the phone logs. I need to STOP CARING. Has anyone else here had trouble looking, at their partner's call/text logs?
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thank you, JoJoy. Your response to my topic came at a much needed time. I'm sitting in a bathroom stall in the gym, crying. I've been trying to keep my mind off this whole situation, til we leave at the end of the month. Been binge watching tv shows on Netflix, even. But then that brings up a problem I've been trying to work on in myself, using tv as an escape. But when I am in a foreign country and am trying to deal with this catastrophe, I'll take any comfort I can get. Husband doesn't want me to keep talking about this situation with him because it keeps opening up his trauma in his life, making him remember things he doesn't want to. So I haven't been trying to talk lately, but he's been my best friend for the past 12 years, and even though I've found a bilingual therapist here (thankfully), she isn't available as much as I'd like. also , the cost. Thanks for your time, time for me to go and pretend like I'm not falling apart.
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He is not going to work on his admitted problem. We are divorcing when we get back the the States. But currently in Mexico, he just got his phone back (he gave it to me when the bomb dropped a couple weeks ago). Even when he didn't have his phone these past two weeks, I feel like checking on him (here in the house) to see if he's using his dads phone. Or if he goes out without me, stays up past me, I sneak out of the bedroom quietly to check on him. I hate this, but my heart races, especially now he has his phone back. To think he'll be looking at porn tonight, or at 2am he'll be texting his last fling, trying to bullsh*t his way back into her life (his phrase). I'm stuck in Mexico for another month. This has already been so hard, and now I know I won't get much sleep this next month, if ever again. Knowing that if he "goes to the bathroom" In the middle of the night, it's not really business anymore. I shouldn't care. I feel I have to walk on eggshells so that the divorce will go smoothly (as he says it will). I still Iove him and he, me, but he is not ready to deal with his past which has lead him to this. I could write for ages, but this is what's currently on my mind. 12 years down the drain.
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KayKay, I feel you. Having NO friends, and not wanting to go into details (intimate details of my husbands life) with my family, it's so HARD to carry this alone. Luckily I am in Mexico right now and can AFFORD therapy, but once we (husband and kids) go back to the States, who knows if I can still afford it. I wish I could just sit in a group for a week with other Partners of Sex Addicts, talking and crying, and maybe even hugging (and I am NOT a hugger). I believe we (the Partners) are likely super empathetic people, who feel for their spouses (and their past history, which have turned them into who they are) but we MUST realize we are not to blame (that's been the hardest for me to accept), and that our partners can only heal if they are READY to heal, and move onto a better way of living life. My husband isn't, and we are on the path of Divorce. I don't know which path you are on, but I wish you luck, and strength. I just found this forum today and it gives me strength, knowing I am not alone in this MASSIVE STRUGGLE. It's a super confusing time in my life and this forum is helping me out simply by reading other people's life stories. Blessed Be, Sister.