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Posts posted by long-suffering

  1. Hi Ann,

    I am so sorry you are feeling so unappreciated and your self esteem is at an all time low -I can only hope that the couples therapist will help you both.  

    I know that there are no easy answers to all our common issues and the pain of betrayal certainly cuts a deep wound- rebuilding intimacy and trust is my life's work i think. I know that finding another man  for what i earlier referred to as normal sex is a non-starter really and because you don't get intimacy and love automatically hand in hand ( apologies for the bad pun) with 'good healthy sex' with a new partner just like that....I also do not want to go down the self soothing route as a solution per se although when  i do occasionally do this i experience a very exquisite climax that is way more intense and pleasurable that in sex with my partner!!

    sadly have to dash now but will think on and add more tomorrow....stay strong and be kind to yourself. You sound like an incredible human being to me.

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  2. Thanks so much Chrissy-i hope you do one day find the partner you are looking for and deserve. I like your definition/understanding of real intimacy and agree wholeheartedly and can see that is at the root of my issues with my husband. I will try and raise this area with him when we next talk in that kind of way. 

    My situation is different - i presume for a host of individual, personal and family reasons....I really imagine that I am in for the long haul and do not plan to leave, separate or divorce  in my present thinking but of course there is always the bomb that could go off and change my mind!! 

    hug to you too. x

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  3. Ann- CHEERS, I already feel welcome into the club that you describe brilliantly- never thought this would be my lot- but here i am and we are..at least we all know the true extent of the feelings and changing emotional states and what we are expected to take on board. I too in the past have been horrified that my husband can be almost Jekyll and hyde in how he  appears to our friends and what he asks of his acting out situations.

  4. any ideas out there....I am at a loss especially since the last discovery/slip on my husband's part so any suggestions welcome.....I don't get anything at all from sex now as it is definitely NOT about me nor do i receive any pleasure from the event. My husband is clearly just in his own head / or suffers from erectile disfunction when not able to use fantasy or self soothing! His desires and mine are miles apart and no matter how many times we discuss ways to address this at check-in, at the time of intimacy he falls into the familiar trap and i withdraw. I am not prepared to follow my husbands lead to meet his preferred choices within the realm of sex  and right now the last thing i ever want to do is have sex with him...the problem is that I DO WANT A SEX LIFE!  Am i going to be pushed into finding someone else to have 'normal sex' with in the future which is an option i do not really want but the thought does enter my head.

  5. Ann,

    I think you are right in the above - looking after yourself and putting yourself as number one is crucial. Your original point is not unreasonable - eg to expect that there is pulling together at difficult times/ consideration about you when a slip occurs from the very person you are supporting rather than having to turn inwards to your own inner resources or to your friends. I also think the suggested plan with daily checkin or accountability methods may work but it needs both parties to be equally invested all the time to work. In my case I have only told one friend and at present she is too wrapped up in her own stuff to be a shoulder for me - hence i have turned to this! When i asked my husband why when he felt himself slipping he couldn't just talk to be he answered that he finds it so hard to express or show vulnerability!  ( so that's when acting out replaces rational thinking- the addiction ruins / destroys everything he says! 

    Clear boundaries are essential and following through - two sometimes conflicting things in my book.

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  6. I am a complete newbie too if that refers to the forum rather than the hurt partner!I am really relieved to have found the laurel centre resources- I feel that my same story is mixed up in reading the above, and other bits and pieces... so many parallels and similar accounts and emotions.

    I feel for those of you that are hurting and send love and courage. I also feel in solidarity with this group- good knowing we all understand the situations so well and get the picture immediately, and speak the same language. 

    apologies for my ramblings below and the fact that thoughts are all over the place.

    My husband is 64 and has been an addict for 50 years although only diagnosed officially 4 years ago after a particular event. We have been married 43 years....childhood sweethearts and soulmates and most of that time really happy despite the fact that over the years my husband had explored all kinds of methods / platforms / avenues to feed his addiction.

    He's been a confirmed sex and love addict since doing an intensive course 4 years ago in London at the Hudson clinic. This was a good turning point after which he had been sober......things i thought were going well.

    Over the years i have known about his demons, and many elements and obviously the big disclosures and to a large extent I have done remarkably well to be understanding and continue to love him and not leave him even after a long affair. Naturally i was under the impression things were on track; he attends regular meetings, works through the steps ( stopped at step 8 though???) Initially he used his sponsor well  but recently disengaged with the programme and then the all too familiar situations re-occur. The slips occur along with and deception and lies and we are back to square one.

    Yesterday after seeing a strange list of names on his phone, I confronted him once again and he confirmed what i had suspected..he is acting out again, connecting with so many strange woman all the time on chat lines on his phone ( now confiscated) He was completely out of control using his phone at very inappropriate times and it was never far from his side. I naturally feel an idiot for not being more demonstrative. I guess i am the consummate enabler but yet i do know the addiction IS NOT MY FAULT> 

    Right now my husband is so full of shame he can hardly talk and feels beaten. I am broken again but only temporarily i hope. i have a lot that is good in my life.

    We have two grown up daughters and a first grandchild  born just 4 weeks ago with another due in a few weeks time so the thing that makes me so cross is how the addiction can lead him to change/ruin things with his behaviours in a second .  I have just retired to be able to help the girls - so yesterday in reality my day went from blissfully content to that familiar stab of pain in a second- knowing "here I am again"   I should be hardened to it all as for me its been such a long journey but each time there is something new to deal with, it winds us so badly with a spiral into deep despair. I guess this is all too common after disclosure and then the hard road starts again to navigate through recovery along those well read 12 steps. 

    time to end and read more of other's experiences........


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