Feeling fragile

Hi there; I just want to share that I have dealt with similar things and feel I can relate: hang in there! Will send a longer message tomorrow as I’m super tired but didn’t want to read and move past….

Hi depressed. I’m so sorry you didn’t receive any replies. Although the transgender element is specific, we all come here because we have been cheated and lied to regardless of the specifics. Have you considered reading any books or seeing a therapist to help you both. It would be worth seeing if your husband has a sex addiction, and the therapist would be able to help with regard to the specifics of transgender also. I’m so sorry to hear you have had this news but hope you are doing ok?

Hi Tony, You mentioned prayer and I wondered if you are a Christian? If so I can send you a link for a few helpful books I have used? Can you get help through church for this? Apologies if I have caught the wrong drift here. x

I really relate to this. It’s heartbreaking: I’m trying to stay strong. Will try to message again when I’m feeling stronger x

Hi Jenn, have you tried a sex addiction therapist ? Really recommend both of you having support to fully understand the addiction, the tools to use in recovery and also guidance on working through the painful past and hopeful future,

Tina thank you for reminding us there is hope!

I think as humans we always need hope. Otherwise it’s very hard to put one foot in front of the other. We are all here with the same pain but we are all on different paths and that’s ok. As Ann said, we need to focus on ourselves. Once we have done this we can decide where we want to go. I think of it as this, we (my partner and I) each have a garden to tend and care for, once we have taken care of this we can care for our shared garden. I can’t tell you whether to stay or go, only to take care of your own garden first. Once you are doing this hopefully it will be clearer whether your husband wants to join you in caring for the shared space. My husband is coming up for 3 months recovery. He has had small slips which have been disclosed straight away. The last slip was almost 4 weeks ago. He says it will take the best part of 18 months for his brain to rewire but he will be in recovery for the rest of his life. We still manage nice days out with the children and I have found intimacy with him healing for me personally. But I am also healing from trauma and that means I have to work hard as well at keeping my mind on track and not allowing myself to be taken down a painful road of self blame and beating myself up that this is my fault: easier said than done but I still have hope and feel that I have much more to gain than to lose….

Hi Ann, I’m 3 months post latest discovery. This time seems different; to summarise (17 years together 2 children) first incident was 2017, second 2018, Paula hall course 2018, I thought recovery 2018-present but latest Incident was 3 months ago (sex worker) and he admitted he never recovered from the porn following the course in 2018. My husband insisted in 2018 that he wasn’t to share his recovery with me. On reflection he told me this was a huge burden for him, that whilst the lies were to protect hurting me, he was also falling further and further into disconnection and he felt so ashamed being with me because of keeping his lies to himself. 1 lie turned into another. I know that it is suggested not to share recovery with your partner, but if you’re like me, have decided to support/forgive/intellectualise that it’s not to do with “us” then it could work? this time we are doing the following: a whatsapp group for us which is called accountability. Daily video posts here, notification of urges, anxiety triggers and flags, daily check in, communicating all planned free time, phone and screen detox (gives to me when home) etc, going to bed together. It’s a huge commitment from him but feel it’s on the scale with my commitment to support him through addiction. Without this, I think the relationship would be over and out 3 and 7 year old would be devastated. I’ve made the boundaries clear. Physical cheating = it’s over, porn relapse = has to be disclosed within 10 minutes. If continually not disclosed = will also be over. not sure if any of this helps at all. X

Hi ladies, thank you all for sharing your experiences. We are all going through trauma and pain, it’s good to have this forum to share. have you asked your partner if you can be their accountability partner ? This seems to be working well for my husband and I. I told him I he had no choice. I am his accountability partner. Secondly, he has agreed to no devices at all and if he is away from me then he has to record himself all the time. I know not practical for some but wondering whether you and partners are practising any rules you have between you ? xx

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I would suggest trying to get as much info as you can about sex and porn addiction to help with processing things. If you can’t afford sessions there are some great books. Let me know if you need recommendations. You will see from my other posts my story. I know that porn addiction is a behaviour and not about you. I hope your husband can come to the realisation Ito get help with this…. My husband also used to be in denial it was a problem, but he is now there..

Hi Cara, Sending you hugs. This isn’t easy on any partners. We also have severe trauma and need to focus on recovery as well. Please know that sex addiction is nothing to do with the partner and all to do with the addict’s issues. You could be the most attractive woman in the world and this wouldn’t change your husbands SA. I hope you can find a way to focus on yourself and each day tell yourself one positive thing. Perhaps your husband could get into the habit of telling you one thing he admires about you each day. That’s what my husband has been doing and it’s helpful to me.

How are you going gem gem? Sorry you didn’t get a reply….

Just reading this post as I am struggling with further cheating and relapse after initially forgiving in 2017 and again in 2018. I found out he has been relapsing with porn for the past 3 years and now cheated on me with a sex worker in April. Finding things hard. I hope you ladies are doing ok….

Thinking of you Sofie. Sharing your pain and want you to know you aren’t alone. You can get through this….

How are you doing Lilo? I’m around 8 weeks post discovery for the 2nd time (first time was 2017) so also quite raw as well..:

I’ve sent a DM to the ladies above, thanks for the info firefly

Thanks for replying Chrissy. I guess it’s exhausting trying to stay strong and support my husband and children to suddenly experience this whole thing again….maybe I’m just feeling numb from it all….

Hi, first d day was in 2017 with a slip in 2018. Thought we were a good 4 years in but D DAY is back again , about 6 weeks post discovery and wondered if anyone is going through this again ?

Anon 89 just wondered how things are going ?

Hi Lala44 I’m happy to chat. Also supporting/ going through this with my husband…. Im Not sure how to DM but message me here if you want to chat and I’ll work out the DM bit after ….

Hi KR1212, I’m so sorry that you find yourself here under these sad circumstances. Your post could have been written by me. My husband is loving funny sweet affectionate a great dad and my best friend. But has struggled with P and SA for years and recently actual meet ups to deal with anxiety. I’ve forgiven him before and have chosen to forgive him now. He’s getting help but I want to make sure this time that I don’t get left out too so appreciate this community. I want to reassure you that this isn’t about you, it’s about his demons….

How are you doing Tabs? X

Keep going Ann! Hope your days have been brighter since this post

Hi , Both the Laurel Center and Marylebone Centre are excellent for both partners and the addict, Good luck!

This could have partially been written by me. How are you doing?