Nort123

Hi Roy We also use qustodio. I can see all my boyfriends searches etc - it’s helpful but please be aware it has glitches (sometimes it says my bf is using Facebook when he isn’t if Facebook ads pop up) this has led to some huge fights, and qustodio take about 20 hours to reply to emails to clear things up which can be quite agonising to wait for. My bf complains that it does block some YouTube videos he has searched as they are marked as “adult content”. However I think that is just something he has to deal with whilst we try and get him better. You can also cap the times internet can be used on phones which I find very helpful as we are living apart atm so I know he’s not up to old habits at 4am etc.

Hey @Chrissy Thank you for reaching out and taking the time to reply. My bf currently is just acting normal and when I am triggered he says I’m bringing things back up again. I feel like I’m stuck in the abusive relationship I was in a few years ago, but this time the bruises and scars are just mental.... so only he knows it’s happening. He says I just keep asking the same thing over and over but I don’t know what to do. Worse because all my friends think he’s so perfect and amazing... I feel like my whole life is a lie and he keeps berating me when I’m angry. I framed it to him, how would you feel if I quit my job, relied on you financially, and with your money messaged men for sexual photos and he said I wouldn’t be with you. So how is it that he can do it to me? I’m so so mad!

It’s just such a shock what this can drive you to. I’m sorry to hear we have shared a similar experience, and thankfully you haven’t hurt yourself in that way this time. How have we gotten here? I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life fall apart, I never thought I’d be here at 27. I have booked a GP appointment to talk through how low I feel, I don’t think I would do it again and alcohol was involved. I think I may have to avoid drinking for a little while. I really do hope that my confidence and personality comes back. Sick of being such a miserable person, the past few weeks have been hell and I’m sick of lying to my family who love him so much and pretending it’s all ok. I don’t even know why I’m protecting him by not telling theme. I have also lashed out a few times, and like you I feel ashamed, it’s never ok and I can’t justify being aggressive... I just have felt pushed to the very edge. Try not to be too hard on yourself about that, you’re not the only one who has done it. I wish I was the sort of person who could cheat on him, but I really only want him sexually and I love him so much. The links you have sent really helped me! I just read one to him and he got annoyed about the further questions I had. Maybe he is still in denial or he just can’t face up to what he’s done, he just wants to go back to normal but I really just can’t look at him or enjoy being around him. He keeps saying what he has done doesn’t define him, but all of the nice stuff has gone away. I hope you manage to have a nice weekend!

Yes @GemGem you are completely right, I feel like a shell. Not really eating, knackered, no focus on anything. Saw some friends and my mind was elsewhere (hadn’t told them so they probably just think I’m being moody and uninterested). I am pleased you’ve got a zoom with your old counsellor- I did feel better, albeit temporarily after having my first session... I’m so looking forward to my one next week, it’s like a lifeline. I’ve self harmed since all of this, I’ve never ever done that in my life before so this is all just messing with my head. I was a confident, happy, sociable person before all of this. He’s dragged me right down. It’s so weird, because when I read back your post, my instinct is to tell you of course it’s not you because it is not!! That’s also what I’d tell any of my friends should they be in this situation, but when it’s yourself you can’t separate it and it feels like a personal attack. Maybe deep down I know it’s not me, but then it means facing up to the fact I’ve fallen in love with a liar. Almost blaming myself for being ugly makes it seem logical... I don’t know. It is a mess. I totally get the surgery thing (my bf seems to have a thing for fake boobs, huge fake lips etc) I definitely look natural, and he has always told me that’s what he likes and he hates surgery etc.... evidently not. It feels so manipulative. I suppose it is good your husband has said he will seek professional help.... hopefully this time it will work and maybe he will have to attend weekly sessions for the rest of his life, if it helps you both. I am worried my bf is going to act out again as soon as some kind of normality kicks in (I don’t even see that being any time soon). He has had two sessions so far, another booked for next week but he said he won’t attend any groups as he’s so embarrassed about what he is and doesn’t want anyone to know. I know you are right with regard to stopping the detective work.... I keep finding myself on the women’s instagrams / twitters and throwing up. Especially when I read the comments, knowing that my bf is probably thinking the same when they are posted, paying up for a video then cosying up in bed next to me at 3am saying he’s sorry he was “working” so late into the night. I feel so sick at it all. This is all new so hopefully once the shock has worn off a bit I will stop obsessing over these women. I do need to put myself first but I’m so terrified of losing my life. I wish I didn’t love him so much. He keeps telling me to stop going on forums and that I should just trust him because strangers don’t know him.... he doesn’t get that being a partner is worse than having the addiction. We’re just innocent passengers on this horrendous ride. I think once I get into my own therapy sessions I’ll have a clearer head and will be able to decide if I want to continue in the relationship. It’s all so fresh now. Thanks again for replying❤️

Morning @GemGem I can completely relate to all you are saying, my therapist mentioned that partners sometimes can be experiencing PTSD and I think to people outside of the situation they may think we are overreacting (“it’s only a bit of porn all men do it”) which is super unhelpful. My heart goes out to you knowing you have lost friends due to this, and all I can say it feel free to message me on here if you need a chat or to vent - because I will maybe be able to relate. I think having support is so important, I have told my friends quite watered down versions of what has been going on (I’m truly embarrassed about his behaviour, will people think it’s a reflection of me? Am I so terrible in bed my boyfriend would rather stay up into the early hours paying for other women?). He said that when he knows I will be going away he plans what he’s going to buy (this makes me feel so sick and it feels so calculated). He said he can’t get rid of his smartphone and I know I can’t force anything - it needs to be what he is willing to do. Like you, I have managed to discover exactly what he’s being doing and when - so now there are dates in my mind which I know will be triggers for me. On Mother’s Day where he said he was spending time with his family and didn’t really call me all day he had spent £300 on porn. This day now will be a huge trigger for me. I crossed checked our WhatsApp messages to his computer files and bank statements, there are several occasions where I’ve sent him intimate photos of myself and that same day he’s bought personalised videos of other women. Days when he’s messaged me whilst I’m away and asked for some money to buy gifts for family or food shopping whilst I’ve been away he’s actually been using it for porn. It honestly is killing me, when I look at him I just feel sick. I keep hearing the womens voices in my head, I wish I didn’t watch the videos but once I found his secret folder I was like a women possessed and I now can’t unseen what I found. Will your partner go to therapy for this? I feel like I’m clinging on to mine because he is going to therapy but I don’t know if he’s just doing it to keep me here. I have no trust at all. Sending you big hugs too, and thanks for replying and listening. It means a lot, it really does❤️

Hi @GemGem Thank you for even replying to me, I can’t believe I’m in a place where I’m seeking comfort of strangers in the internet.... being a partner of someone with porn addiction feels like the most lonely place. I am so sorry you’re going through this too, and that you’ve had to deal with this shock more than once I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. Sending love your way! I have Paula Halls book, and I have tried to read it but I am just feeling so mad. I feel as though why should I be having to do this at all.... like you say I am completely exhausted and I feel so low and depressed. You’re so right - everything has changed, when I think of nice memories it is just clouded by the fact he has been lying from the start, his addiction pre dates our relationship but there has been so many chances where he could have told me... instead he’s taken my money and blown it on porn. He spent over £140 on Christmas Eve in minutes (more than I think he spent on my Christmas present) and I just don’t know why or how it’s worth it for a moment of pleasure. It’s like he’s picking them over me. He’s always saying he has no money and I’m lending it like a fool... when I work hard for it and he doesn’t even have a job. I have only just started my job so I would feel so bad taking sick leave in case I lost the job. I’m terrified to leave him alone in the house too, because it’s any time I’m asleep or I go out with friends that he splurges. It’s resonated too when you said you feel like you can’t let the anger go because it’s like you’re giving in... that’s how I feel. Thank you also for the book recommendations. I just feel very sad and alone.

Hello everyone This is my first post on here and I’m still reeling from the shock of finding out that my boyfriend and the person I thought I trusted inside out is a porn addict. I found out completely by accident when he was showing me something on his bank statement, so I kicked him out as he was denying it saying he had been hacked... and I subsequently found a file on his computer containing THOUSANDS of videos. He’s been spending sometimes more money on porn than he contributes to our rent on occasions, using my money, his parents money, his student loan (he doesn’t have a job, I work). He’s been using sites paying monthly subscriptions, requesting personal videos and has some fetishes that I wasn’t fully aware of. I won’t detail them here as I wouldn’t want to trigger or upset anyone but I feel like my life is over he’s not the man I thought he was. We’re in our late 20s and I wanted to have children with him, but I keep thinking how could I have a child with someone who puts this addiction before me? I’m finding myself triggered at everything, his social media presence, his use of the computer, certain types of women (he has a definite type based on what I’ve seen). I let him move back in, he’s sent all of his money to our joint account, had two therapy sessions, let me install parental software on his computer but I am just still so gutted and betrayed. We set boundaries at the beginning of our relationship (2.5years) about porn and both said that we didn’t watch it and didn’t think it appropriate in a relationship to do so (I’ve had some issues with porn in a previous abusive relationship) I feel gaslighted and manipulated. I have to lend him money most months and now I’ve seen where it’s gone, I am just so hurt and upset. I’m sorry for the long post, I have had a session with a sex therapist and I’m going to continue doing so but I just wondered if anyone could give me any tips on how to try and remain in the relationship and stop getting so angry. We’ve been having awful screaming matches for the past two weeks, I keep shaming him after what I’ve seen, I can’t focus at work anymore and I am missing deadlines... I feel like I can’t live this way. If anyone has been in a similar situation and has advice I would really appreciate it.