Generally speaking, at the root of CSBD (Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder), or sex addiction or porn addiction as it’s commonly referred to, is a conscious, or unconscious desire to escape difficult emotions. Like all obsessive or compulsive behaviours or addictive substances, sex and porn, or whatever your unwanted behaviour is, acts as an anaesthetic. In other words, it’s a behaviour that numbs out unwanted thoughts and feelings. Or at least, that’s how it starts – but over time, acting out is just what you do to feel normal.
Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting to numb out difficult emotions – you could argue that the basis of all human existence is to avoid difficult emotions and create positive ones. Whether that’s flicking through photos on your phone while waiting for a dentist appointment or binge-watching Netflix at the end of a busy week. It’s natural to want to numb out difficult feelings and create positive ones. And there’s nothing wrong with using sex, partnered or solo, to do that. The problem is, that for people with an addiction, their substance or behaviour has become the ‘only’ way they can regulate their emotional state. Or at least, the only effective way. And over a period of time as the behaviours are repeatedly returned to as a form of comfort, the emotion itself becomes a trigger. For example, you watch porn as a way of soothing anxiety, overtime it becomes what you always do when you feel anxious. Before you know it, a mere hint of anxiety, or the expectations of feeling anxiety, triggers you to watch porn. It becomes an automatic response.
If you’re thinking that this isn’t ringing true for you. That there’s nothing you’re trying to numb out. That you don’t experience difficult emotions. That’s probably because the anaesthetic hasn’t worn off yet. Many people have little or no awareness of the emotions they’re numbing out ‘because’ they are numb. And the number one reason why people relapse, is because those emotions begin to seep back into their lives again when they stop. The super chilled, easy going, laid-back person becomes Mr Irritable. The positive-thinking, glass always half-full person because Mrs Miserable. Numbed emotions will always reawaken when the anaesthetic wears off.
The common emotions beneath sex and porn addiction
There are of course many, many emotions that people struggle with, but we’re going to focus on the 5 most common ones. Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Loneliness and Low-self esteem.
Anxiety – Anxiety is a label that covers so many things. Stress, worry, fear. Anxiety is living with a constant ‘what if’ voice in your head. What if I did that wrong? what if I do it wrong? What if they don’t like me? What if they want more than I can give? What if, what if, what if. It’s nagging and relentless. It keeps you awake at night. And it’s not just emotional, it’s physical too. Sweating, thumping heart, tightness in the chest. Maybe even full on panic attacks – it can feel like you’re dying. It’s totally understandable that if that’s how you feel, you’ll try to find something to soothe the pain. Porn and surfing adult sites is a very efficient tonic.
Depression – if anxiety is the voice that’s constantly saying ‘what if’, depression is the voice that says ‘if only’. Depression is an all-encompassing fog that’s full of regret, remorse, and futility. It’s numb, empty, meaningless and pointless. Like anxiety, depression also manifests physically. Tiredness and lethargy, difficulty getting out of bed, not enough energy to exercise, eat properly or sometimes even basic selfcare such as bathing. Another word that I think is particularly important to add here is boredom. I see so many clients who say that the number one trigger for acting out is boredom. But I don’t think that word goes anywhere close to doing justice to what they’re really feeling. I don’t believe that anyone continually engages in behaviour that’s damaging to themselves and those they love, just because they’re bored. In my experience, lurking beneath the boredom are depression, emptiness, futility – but boredom is the label that’s used.
Anger – this is a big one. The language of anger covers a huge range from violent uncontrolled outbursts, to constant bubbling irritations, to simmering resentments, to passive aggressive comments and behaviours. Physically it’s most commonly associated with stomach complaints. There’s a flip side as well though. If you’re someone who’s terrified of anger, perhaps because you grew up in a household where there was a lot of uncontrolled anger or you’ve been constantly told it’s wrong, you may be someone who, on the surface at least, is always calm and pleasant and putting everyone else’s needs first. You are the ultimate ‘nice guy’ or ‘nice girl’ – but your conscious, or unconscious motivation is to avoid any kind of confrontation because you’re so fearful of getting angry, or provoking anger, if you do. People who struggle with their anger either get angry too often, or not at all.
Loneliness – When we talk about loneliness, we tend to assume that it only affects people who are alone, but all of us can struggle with loneliness at times – no matter how many people we have in our lives. Feeling lonely is more than just wishing we had some company, though that of course is part of it. When we lonely we often feel unwanted, unneeded, unimportant. We might feel ignored, rejected. We can feel isolated. Like no-one cares. When we feel lonely we’re more likely to act out to avoid the feeling, to anaesthetise the pain. But we might also act out to connect with people. To make ourselves feel wanted, needed, desired.
Low self-esteem is the last of our 5 most common emotions, and like loneliness it often goes along with anxiety and depression, and also anger. People often confuse low self-esteem with low self-confidence. Self-confidence is what we do. Self-esteem is who we are. When we struggle with low self-esteem we feel a sense of being worthless. Low self-esteem is a particularly corrosive emotion. It has a tendency to eat into almost every area of our lives. Our work, studies, relationships, friendships, hobbies and relaxation time. Low self-esteem is not only caused by the emotions we’ve already talked about, but it also causes it. People with low self-esteem often isolate themselves – so they’re lonely. They’re fearful of criticism and making mistakes so they’re anxious and they’re hyper-sensitive to criticism, so they often struggle with anger. Someone with low self-esteem if often plagued with self-doubt and depression. Like loneliness, acting out is often a way, not only of numbing the discomfort of low self-esteem, but also boosting self-esteem.
The irony of addiction is that it’s not only caused by these common emotions, but it also causes them. It’s a vicious cycle. Whilst difficult, uncomfortable emotions are often precursors to addiction, acting out behaviours almost always reinforce the very emotion that you’re trying to escape. The anxious person becomes increasingly anxious because of their behaviours. Continued failed attempts to stop leads to deeper and deeper depression. Someone who struggles with anger may find themselves fuelling their resentments by blaming others for why they do what they do. Or they turn the aggression in and beat themselves up for their perceived weakness. The secrecy and shame of acting out fuels loneliness and low self-esteem as a nagging inner voice says ‘no-one would like you if they knew how little control you have’. You act out because you feel bad and you feel bad because you act out.
Recovery from CSBD and addiction
Recovering from a compulsive behaviour or addiction takes much more than stopping the behaviours. It’s about getting to the root of the problem. If all you do is take away the anaesthetic, you’ll be in even greater pain. As Gabor Mate famously said, ‘don’t ask what causes the addiction, ask what causes the pain’. That is where true healing lies.
You can get a lot more information about addiction recovery from my book – Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction or if you’re a therapist, you could attend one of our CPD days or if you’re someone struggling personally, then do have a look at our Kick Start workshops.
