Last week I had the privilege of facilitating the first face to face residential we’ve been able to offer for over 18 months. And I have to confess, I was a little daunted, as well as excited. For the past few years we’ve been running a residential almost every month and then suddenly in March ’20, everything stopped and I haven’t shared the same physical space with a client, or colleague since. There were lots of adjustments to make, getting the office space ready, trying to find lunch providers who hadn’t gone bust and establishing covid procedures. There was also the challenge of knowing whether or not clients would want face to face courses, or would the appetite have gone and might zoom be a permanent replacement, rather than a convenient addition to our services. I needn’t have worried about this. The course was full two weeks before the start date and our November course is already half full. The appetite is clearly still there, and thank God it is, because I’d forgotten what a truly profound and inspiring experience the residential is.
As we were ‘checking out’ on the 6th day of our exhausting and exhilarating week together, one of the guys said ‘you’ve changed our lives’. I thanked him and corrected him saying ‘no, the group has changed your lives’ and then I waffled as I tried to find a metaphor to explain what I meant. I don’t think I succeeded, or at least definitely not eloquently, so I thought I’d try again in writing. So this blog is for the ‘Band of Brothers’ as they called themselves at the end of the residential course, but also for anyone interested in group work for recovery from sex addiction and porn addiction.
The metaphor that I was clumsily trying to use was a gardening one. I should have known better as gardening really isn’t my forte, but nonetheless it works. On the first day of the course, 8 seeds arrived. On the surface all very different. Some were hard and a little cynical, battle weary from years in fruitless soil. Others were fragile and broken, victims of trauma, both historic and recent. Some already had tiny sprouts of growth, but they were tender and immature and unsure which direction to grow towards. On the surface, the only thing they had in common was they were alone and felt that they had never truly belonged in any garden. Even those who spoke of fruit in other areas of their life, struggled with an imposter syndrome that told them they didn’t really deserve to be there.
What the group offers is the soil. As facilitators we fertilise that soil with knowledge and tools; developing a fuller understanding of the problem of sex addiction and porn addiction; recognising that ultimately it’s not about sex, it’s about comfort. We also liberally sprinkle the soil with miracle grow – otherwise known as hope. A hope that is gained from our experience of working with hundreds of others within group. As stories slowly unfold and trust is built, roots are pushed down in the group soil. The deeper the roots go, the more courage the seeds have to share more of themselves and loosen their husks of defensiveness and fear. Unconditional positive regard is the oxygen that replaces the shame that so many people with compulsive sexual behaviours struggle with. Encouragement and support water the tender seedlings and a growing sense of unity and loyalty to the group provides the light towards which to grow.
Over just a few short days the group members realise they have much more in common than they thought. They are not alone and they are valued, respected and liked, in spite of their past. As they grow in compassion towards each other, adding further goodness to the soil, they gradually develop greater compassion for themselves. They don’t for a moment believe it’s too late for growth and recovery for anyone else in the group, so perhaps it’s also not too late for them. So many of the seeds were not nurtured in childhood, but here in the group, the shoots of self-respect, self-love and dignity begin to grow.
I know it’s not the facilitators who change people’s lives, because as I sit in the group I watch the seeds grow with no intervention from me. Furthermore, I know that as a 1-1 therapist, more growth is achieved in those 6 days than individual therapy can achieve in many, many months. Like I said, I’m a rubbish gardener – it’s the group that creates and tends the soil; that waters it, feeds it and gives it light to grow towards.
The group is of course just one part of the recovery journey. Once the seeds have turned into seedlings, they have to be replanted into their every day lives. Lives that are often not so conducive to growth. For some it means returning to the family garden; a garden that has been laid to waste by the discovery or disclosure of acting out behaviours. For growth to continue, those seeds need to continue to seek the conditions they need. The support of others and self-care. And as they grow stronger they can in turn support and encourage others to begin their own journey to recovery and look forward to a fruitful life in the future.
For more information about our residential recovery course, have a look on the website here.
