Sex addiction and porn addiction and difficulties managing anger
Today we’re getting back to our blog series talking about the impact that compulsive sexual behaviours can have on mental health. We took a break over Christmas and the new year, but you may remember back in November we looked at the links between sex addiction and porn addiction and anxiety and depression. Today we’re going to focus on a very common emotion that all of us experience at times. One that can be really uncomfortable – anger. And because it’s so uncomfortable, like other difficult feelings it can be a trigger for compulsive behaviours and if we don’t address it, then it’s almost impossible to secure confident recovery.
Let me start by saying there is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is not a negative emotion. In fact, there’s no such thing as a negative emotion because they’re all there to tell us to fix something but I think anger, in particular, gets a bad rap. We don’t like anger because it makes us feel uncomfortable. And we also feel uncomfortable if we’re around someone who’s angry. More than that, we may feel under threat if we’re around someone who’s angry. Anger is perhaps the emotion, more than any other, that we’ll try to deny or avoid or project on someone else. It’s the emotion that we feel we most have to justify. But anger can be a very positive emotion, it’s one that can energise us and motivate us to fight for our rights, for justice and for the people we love and care about.
Anger and addiction
The language of anger covers a huge range from violent uncontrolled outbursts to constantly bubbling irritations, to simmering resentments and passive aggressive comments and behaviours. Physically anger is most commonly associated with stomach complaints. There’s a flip side as well though. If you’re someone who’s terrified of anger, perhaps because you grew up in a household where there was a lot of uncontrolled anger or you’ve been constantly told it’s wrong, then you may be someone who, on the surface at least, is always calm and pleasant and putting everyone else’s needs first. People who struggle with their anger either get angry too often, or not at all.
People who suppress their anger are more likely to become passive aggressive and acting out is often a form of passive aggression. If you live or work with someone who’s angry and you find it difficult to assert your rights; or if you’re someone who avoids conflict and confrontation and often feels taken for granted, then your behaviour may be a way of silently rebelling and saying “f*** you!”.
Another common way that anger manifests is as a defence mechanism. As we saw earlier, anger can be energising and motivating so some people unconsciously prefer to get angry than to acknowledge feeling vulnerable. This means that rather than feeling hurt or alone, or sad, or guilty or ashamed, or unable to cope in any kind of way, you find something or someone to blame and get angry instead. Anger may be uncomfortable, but for some, it’s not as uncomfortable as feeling powerless.
Overcoming sex addiction
Anger is a common trigger for compulsive sexual behaviours so if you want to beat your porn addiction or overcome sex addiction you need to learn to manage anger in a healthy way. The first challenge is to decide if your anger is justified. Are you guilty of ‘stinking thinking’? In other words, are you making assumptions, jumping to conclusions, catastrophising, being a perfectionist, losing perspective? Recognising your stinking thinking and changing those patterns is the most effective way of managing anger, whatever shape it takes.
As well as changing your thinking, there are also some really helpful ways to physically release anger. Anger is a very visceral emotion. It creates a whole load of uncomfortable, tense physical sensations as well as emotional ones. And we know that when we release the physical tension, we help the anger to subside. The easiest way to do this is simply to breath – slowly and fully, in and out. And consciously relax your muscles, unclench your fists, shake off the tension in your shoulders and jaw. Exercise is another good physical outlet – especially if you can do it to the point of exhaustion to ensure it wears you out rather than pumps you up.
This of course, is all easy to say but often so much harder to put into practice. If you know that anger is an issue for you, either because you get angry too often, or not often enough, then it’s important that you work on it at the same time as stopping your unwanted behaviours. You can do that through individual therapy or by going on one of our recovery courses – or both. The bottom line is this; learning to manage anger is an investment in your recovery because anger is one of the most common emotions that can cause relapse.
More information on our recovery services click here or the links above.
