So, we’re already coming to the end of January 2022 and this week we experienced the infamous “Blue Monday” – a term coined by psychologist Cliff Arnell when he was researching the concept of January blues in 2004. In essence, it is supposedly the most depressing day of the year as Christmas is over, we’re all back to work, money is tight and, perhaps like many, you’ve already failed spectacularly in your new year’s resolutions. After one week of dedicated diet-based meal-planning, the stresses of work have returned with a vengeance and you’re back to ready-meals in front of the TV. Dry January has become decidedly and irrevocably UN-dry and the Christmas booze stocks have been consumed and replenished twice over! Or, if you’re addicted to sex or porn, perhaps the short, cold days combined with a sense of emptiness, isolation and nothing to look forward to have made abstaining feel almost impossible.
First and foremost, you are not alone. In fact, according to a study by YouGov, only around a quarter of the UK’s resolution makers manage to stick with them throughout the year whilst 75% struggle and ultimately fail to keep them. There are a number of reasons why someone might fail to maintain their resolutions including setting unrealistic goals or not doing enough preparation in terms of resources or support. Very often, life simply gets in the way and unexpected events or emotions get the better of us. None of this is surprising, uncommon or in any way shameful and yet many of us (especially people with addictions) have a terrible habit of beating themselves up about it and view any slip or struggle as proof of their inherent worthlessness and inadequacy. In many ways, this “New Year, New Me” culture is damaging and many psychologists have commented on how New Year’s resolutions fuel a culture of “toxic positivity”.
Toxic positivity and beating sex addiction and overcoming porn addiction
Toxic positivity is an unhealthy obsession with positivity that often ignores or demeans people’s suffering and purports the idea that positive thinking and an optimistic outlook will resolve all your problems. In turn, toxic positivity implies that if you are struggling and perhaps acting out as a result, it is your fault for being unable to achieve a positive mental attitude. This kind of thinking can turn a minor slip-up into a full-blown relapse as it only makes us feel worse. But in reality, if we are all being honest with ourselves, it is incredibly difficult to give something up in its entirety and especially if it’s an addiction that we’ve used for most of our life to cope with challenging emotions. So here are some non-toxic tips for persevering with your resolutions:
- Acknowledge your emotions and grieve if you need to
Human beings are not robots and almost everything we understand about human experience suggests that bottling up your pain and concealing it with a smile is only going to make the situation worse. An addict’s chances of relapse soar when they don’t acknowledge their emotions and seek out some comfort outside their addictive substance. For example, just because you’re an alcoholic and you can’t have a glass of wine doesn’t mean you can’t have a long, hot bath, a takeaway pizza and a good cry with a trusted friend!
Tips for stopping porn addiction and sex addiction
- Set small and achievable goals
It is a widely acknowledged fact that if you want to succeed in your resolutions, you’ll have far better luck if you are realistic, anticipate bumps in the road and allow space for them. Life is unpredictable and can throw monumental curveballs your way without any warning so make sure your goals are achievable in most circumstances and won’t leave you feeling overwhelmed.
- Avoid perfectionism
The Club Soda community summarise this perfectly:
“Nobody is perfect. Even with the clearest intentions and the strongest plans, things will still go wrong sometimes. Slip-ups will happen. Every mistake is a chance to learn. No mistake is a catastrophe. Perfectionism can paralyse you. But don’t let your desire to fix everything stop you changing something. Start where you stand, then keep going, step by step.”
- Get support
Finally, and crucially, make sure you have friends or family around you to support you and encourage you when things go wrong as well as when things are fine. Recovery is nigh impossible without the ongoing support of others, which is why our group work programmes are so successful. Most people need to know they are not alone and have the support of others who share the same struggles.
“New Year, New Me” is not an overnight transformation that magically occurs as the clock strikes midnight and the fireworks explode. Anyone who has achieved some form of sobriety will tell you that addiction recovery is all about the journey, and regrettably it may include some potholes, U-turns and diversions. Whilst toxic positivity says you could have avoided or resolved all these problems if you’d just laughed it off and kept on going with a smile – a healthier mindset understands that you can’t always predict the state of the road and you need to slow down and take time to recover when you’ve hit a bump or two. Addiction recovery is not easy so be kind and gentle with yourself and understand that your “New Me” will come in time.
For more information on our group recovery programmes, please click here
