A cognitive distortion is another term used for the lies we tell ourselves when we want to do something we really know we shouldn’t do.  In other words, the bullshit we reassure ourselves with so we can avoid our conscience.  

All of us use cognitive distortions – this isn’t something that’s special to people with addictions or CSBD (Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder), but rather something that seems to be an inherent part of being human. From the small child who says ‘but I needed to eat all the biscuits because I was hungry’ to the adolescent claiming ‘they couldn’t help being late because the time set was too early to the motorist who justifies illegal parking because ‘they were only going to be 5 minutes’ – we’ve all done it.  

To illustrate how common cognitive distortions are, and indeed, to highlight how all of us break our own value system, I often ask audiences this questions when I’m delivering a talk: “Hands up if you’ve never broken the speed limit?”  This is followed by some nervous laughter and seat shifting, except for a smug 1% of the audience who instantly raise their hand.  Then I ask “put your hand down if you don’t drive” – to date, not a single person has been left with their hand up. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t think speed limits are a good and necessary restriction, but we’re all guilty of telling ourselves those little lies that help us break the rules. 

And that’s exactly what happens with people with addictions. It’s not a lack of morality, but rather a well-practiced and rehearsed list of lies that are used to bypass the moral compass.  Below is a list of the most common reasons people give when they act out when they know they shouldn’t, and on so many levels, don’t even want to:-

Common cognitive distortions

• Rationalisation – when you make excuses for your behaviour using logic and reason.  E.g. – “acting out is ok because I haven’t done it for ages which proves it isn’t an addiction” or “it’s not possible to masturbate without pornography” 

• Justification – when you use excuses to defend your behaviour.  E.g.  “I can’t help it when I’m drunk” or “no-one could resist acting out when it’s handed to them on a plate”  

• Minimisation – this is a thinking strategy for not taking full responsibility for your behaviour or staying in denial. E.g. “I’ll only be online for 10 minutes” or “it’s not as bad as …”

• Catastrophising – the opposite of minimisation so rather than making light of something, an event or circumstance that is relatively unimportant is given greater status.  E.g. “I have had a horrendous day and I cannot cope so I need to act out” or “my partner has ridiculed and abused me and therefore it’s ok for me to soothe how I feel”.   

• Blame – when you blame others for your behaviour.  E.g. “if my partner was more into sex I wouldn’t need to do this” or “if my work was more fulfilling I wouldn’t act out” 

• Entitlement – this kind of thinking often comes either from grandiosity or from self-pity and is when you find reasons to tell yourself you deserve to act out.  E.g. “I need to act out because I didn’t have much sexual experience when I was younger” or “I work extremely hard to support my family and deserve the occasional treat” 

• Uniqueness – similar to entitlement but focusses on what you perceive as being unique about yourself or your circumstances.  E.g. “I’m very successful and people would expect me to enjoy sexual variety” or “I was born with a fetish and this is the only way to satisfy it” 

• Mental Filter – this strategy is used to filter out any thoughts that might stop acting out from happening.  E.g. “last time I acted out was fantastic and I didn’t have any regrets” or “my partner is totally unreasonable all the time and so I need to act out”

• Victim Stance – when you make excuses for your behaviour by putting yourself in the role of victim.  E.g. “it’s not my fault I act out I was abused as a child” or “I have to act out when everyone is picking on me” 

• Normalisation – this is often used with generalisation to make acting out seem like ‘the norm’.  E.g. “all men look at pornography” or “it’s instinctive to want to sleep with a beautiful person, or everyone wants to be desired”.  

• Denial – this is perhaps the most common cognitive distortion and simply involves blocking out reality.  E.g. “My partner wouldn’t mind” or “There is nothing wrong with acting out”.   

• Helplessness – this can be a particularly powerful cognitive distortion, especially for those with low self-esteem.  E.g. I can’t stop acting out, I have never had any will power” or “I can’t help it, I’m a sex addict”  

• Invincibility – this refers to the times when you think you’re ‘bullet proof’.  In other words “I won’t ever get caught”. 

Why catastrophising is so popular

The one that I’ve heard a lot more often recently is number 4, catastrophising. Perhaps that’s not surprising when our world has been rocked by a pandemic for the past 18 months, but as anyone will tell you, when life is already tough, addiction doesn’t make it easier. In the short term, acting out might temporarily provide relief from fear, or sadness, or disappointment, or grief, or isolation or whatever else lock down has dumped on you, but it’s temporary.  Sooner or later you will still have to face your current situation. The other problem with catastrophising is that it easily becomes habitual and overtime you’ll find that focussing on the worst that can happen, because the way you look at life. 

As restrictions are eased in the UK, there is a growing air of optimism that perhaps life will return to some kind of normal. If you’ve been someone who’s developed the habit of assuming the worst, perhaps now is the time for that to change; to pull back and look at the bigger picture of what you really want out of your life and dropping the bullshit that is stopping you from getting it. 

If you want help overcoming cognitive distortions, then join one of our recovery courses.  As the saying goes, ‘you can’t bullshit a bullshitter’ and when you’re with like-minded people you’ll hear your own bullshit louder and clearer than you ever have before. And experience a surge in motivation to overcome them. 

Next month we’ll look at common cognitive distortions that partners use, and why.